Get your vaccines, y’all (in defense of science)…..

It really is that simple. There is no vast conspiracy to rob you of your hard earned money. No one poison pill purposely keeping you sick. Its not that you should blindly trust your government, but none of us are that smart, organized, or effective, frankly.

Even the average doctor’s/insurance/customer care/any office can’t even get it together enough to call y’all back. That’s only 5-10 people who can’t coordinate a few hundred phone calls with each other! The entire US government wasted millions in urgent COVID vaccine shipments that had to be stored at -70 C-only for people not to really partake. That was a ton of waste that wasn’t anticipated. Do we really think thousands/millions employed by big Pharma/big government/name the conspiracy-are going to be able to organize whatever mass movement you think they’re planning? And leave no evidence? There is always reputable (unreputable too)journalists quietly digging, able to prove falsified data, eager to embarrass folks, to run the next story. Cause a juicy headline is money for THEM. What IS going on is capitalism run amuck, an overworked and overrun system, and a healthcare system incentivized towards sickness, not health. Throw in some medical racism too, and you have a system ripe for distrust.

It really kills me that trust in science, especially healthcare professionals and Big Pharma is at an all time low (don’t get me wrong, you’re right to have a some skepticism). Most of us really did study for years and years, and came in bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to help people.

Overall, I say you should be skeptical of a whole flawed system, not all, or even most, individuals in the system itself. I say this as a reformed pessimist-Science is FULL of do gooder types who will NOT sell out for the almighty dollar. Corporations know that, and take full advantage of us. Period. Yes, money needs to be made to make the world go around, but it’s usually disproportional to the service given.

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have believed it, either. But then I studied the art of medicine. I learned, and I mean really learned and dedicated my life to, science. I studied human nature.

This life changing honor taught me a few things. One main takeaway, universal consensus on anything science is a pretty big deal. Do you know how much scientists love to ‘talk shop’ and argue about things no one cares about for example, the mating cycle of a specific type of whale in the southern Pacific? We will sit and debate minutiae while everyone else stares at us over drinks for hours, and do so happily. We will argue which papers support us, which won’t, etc. So for millions and millions upon us to agree that vaccines/science work overwhelmingly, well that’s a big deal.

And I learned about you. All of you.

I learned about Dr Jonas Salk, father of the polio vaccine.

Got polio? Almost none of us do, thanks to him. But it was a brutal viral disease that affected anywhere between 20,000-50,000 children annually until he came around.

Look at him. He’s not a movie star. Never had an entire publicity team bolstering his image. Today, he’d be lost on facebook and Instagram. I don’t even want to think about TikTok. But he saved a decent chunk of humanity.

AND HE DID IT FOR FREE!!!

I don’t doubt his family would be multi billionaires, maybe even if the world’s first trillionaires, if he patented it. But he didn’t.

His words, verbatim: ‘There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?’

The man didn’t win a very well deserved Nobel Prize that year. Or any year.

Jealous colleagues accused him of being a publicity seeker even though he spent the rest of his life hiding from the spotlight. After he invented the polio vaccine, he founded the Salk Institute and spent the rest of his life quietly researching, MS, Cancer, and trying to develop on AIDS vaccine for HIV + patients.

That charmer, Dr Jonas Salk

“Yeah, okay, Dr Uma,” you might say, “That was then. This is now. And face it, things have changed. Cash is king. Period.”

It’s just not true. Not always, anyway.

These stories don’t make the news, and never will.

The millions of public health officials worldwide that kept y’all safe with COVID travel bans among death threats. The ones who could’ve sold you Ivermectin and made enough to retire within 6 months or less, but didn’t. If Dr Fauci did this, this story would’ve been everywhere. He could’ve hidden on a private island for the rest of his life and enjoyed his days. It wouldn’t have been impossible.

But he didn’t. He got up everyday, beefed up his security, and spoke his scientific truth. As he has for the last several decades. Amongst all the hate/conspiracy theories, and lies.

And no, I don’t blindly worship this man. Our handling of the AIDS crisis/crack epidemic in the 1980s was disappointing, he was a part of the NIH/government at that time, too.

A life overall in public service should be acknowledged, though.

Dr Paul Offutt DID make a 25 M dollar profit, yes, it’s true. But he saved billions of children worldwide from dying from a depressing diarrheal illness. When I told my husband this, he laughed and said ‘That’s it?’ That about sums it up, IMHO. We’re still not looking at Musk/Bezos/Gates/ridiculous big Pharma level profit here? I dare say he did just as much for humanity, if not more. Y’all can fight amongst yourselves, it’s just an opinion, one backed with some data, though. 

The rest of the heroes in these stories are everyday folks, and its just not a very exciting or sexy story.

All day, everyday what I DO SEE is my colleagues, my friends, and my dear husband-heck, I like to believe myself–go to bat for their patients. For free. For a salary that has NOT been keeping up with inflation.

Spending hours on the phone arguing with an insurance company on why that MRI is life saving, and it MUST be covered.

Going to work without PPE.

Calling in an order for the most effective chemo, not the most expensive one that’ll line our pockets.

Giving life saving vaccines, treatments, and advice to an increasingly belligerent, distrustful population. Calling a quack a quack, even if he’s VERY popular and we COULD make even more money by leaning in instead and offering various, expensive unproven ‘tests’ and ‘supplements’ for a large fee, of course.

Refusing/Delaying a patient a CT scan even despite the shouting match for ‘headaches’ and unrelated traumas cause unnecessary radiation is still radiation, especially if your headaches occur during the day and often improve with a heating pad and Tylenol. 

We don’t do this because we don’t like money.

Everybody does.

We do it because we really do care.

Also, it’s very likely we will be caught.

We have regulatory boards, lawsuits, hungry malpractice lawyers just salivating over this story.

Waiting for our downfall.

Back to vaccines, since I digress so often. What really happens in the majority of the cases is some soreness at sight, mild fevers, often, little knots can form for a couple of weeks.

Sometimes you get an allergic reaction (still rare), of course that must be treated and given under special precautions of course.

There are true side effects other than this, but they are vaccine dependent, and exceedingly rare, folks.

If you’re offended, be offended but do me a favor and please marinate on all of this for a little while. My plan is to keep posting more about topics on vaccines, scientific literacy etc as I’ve already rambled on enough.

Stayed tuned!

Love,

me

If you only knew

You see yourself as hearty folk

salt of the earth folk

feisty hard working simple folk

And don’t understand my education. brand name shoes, and need to travel to ‘fancy’ places 

If you only knew 

that we city folk are all just from a village somewhere

that my late and great ancestors were the proud chiefs of that village

that their feet were made dirty from miles of walking barefoot and backs broken from carrying clean water on pots far larger than their heads for miles in the hot sun

that their nose ring signified they were properly too 

that traveling and seeing this big beautiful world is only way I feel at home in my skin cause I’m not sure I’m at home even when I’m home

that I’m one of you 

That Yoga was essentially made for everyone, so while I don’t always appreciate the appropriation I am grateful for the access 

you find my culture and it’s values offensive 

without even knowing it

At the same time, you’ve literally copied it and have no idea

Marijuana was used for medicinal purposes

Smoked by our Gods

Stories in the Bible sure do look identical to ours…just saying 

But 18 and you’re on your own right?

Teaching the value of money and hard work 

It’s a good lesson 

One maybe we still haven’t fully learned….

Do you know what we know though?

That same logic kept us in poverty for centuries 

millennia even 

due to what was stolen

It’s likely keeping you there too 

So we lifted each other up

paid for our children’s upward mobility

and in turn, weren’t left in a nursing home and abandoned in old age

even if we were difficult

unloveable 

abusive

maybe despite it 

your trauma is our trauma too 

When I expressed that differing value to you 

you were offended

because I think my way is superior

never mind that you think your way is superior too

and have made us adjust to it all day everyday

when I refuse to make myself smaller to you

less well read

less obedient 

less domesticated 

I’m unlikeable

difficult

can’t relate to you 

a snooty coastal elite 

if you only knew

that while I’m property too 

I’ve been made to handle my own

Can’t cry to you because I’ve learned so many don’t care 

so forgive me for not being moved by your tears

We’ve been made numb to it 

hardened like our insides from years of blows you know nothing about

you’re allowed a humanity, an imperfection, a frailty I’m not 

If you only knew

I’m not ‘grooming’ children

I’m protecting them

ALL.OF.THEM

Do you know how much more likely they are

to be homeless and commit suicide when they’re not accepted?

Accepting them as they are is compassionate, life affirming care

It’s the only way 

Thus, the Godly way

When have you ever changed just because anyone told you you’re not ‘supposed’ to be that way?  

Unconditional love and acceptance works far better

Never mind what your God says 

We’ve had to be our own Gods

And what does that say about ALL of us?  

If only you knew

I don’t always want to talk about race

be a social justice warrior 

a Mommy 

a wife

I’m fun too 

I like margaritas

parties

reading books 

movies and popcorn 

walks on the beach 

fashion

 nerdy things too 

If only you knew

I felt sorry for your guy sometimes

I didn’t think calling your women a slut was right just because I don’t agree

if we’re supposed to be tolerant, that’s literally supposed to include everyone though 

I light my Christmas tree too

I light my diya also though

and sure wish you’d ask about it 

If only you knew

the pressures to keep thin and maintain an impossibly beautiful house and cook and have a flourishing professional career-are on me too 

On all of us 

If you only knew

Culture separates us but it’s not the only thing 

I love my kids too 

I gave up everything for my family too 

I’m just like you

I just wish you could get over your fear and unknowing of me and just know my truths

If you only knew  

No Mediocre

Nothing creative today, friends. Mom life and trying to start up my Pediatric practice. My face might be plastered to a grocery cart near you soon. Stay tuned! Also, I may have been busted jamming out to T.I’s ‘No Mediocre’ by the Target Drive Up lady 🤦🏾‍♀️🫣😬😂. Definitely keeping my day job for now! Keep on dancing through it all. Love, Me

One of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever read. . Still, necessary reading.  I did NOT write this, copy/pasted in internet. If someone knows author, I would love to give credit where it is due so please inform me.

#momsdemandaction#endgunviolenceyesterday #IstandwiththeAAP

#MANDATORYbackgroundchecks#noAR15sexceptpoliceandmilitary

#mandatorymentalhealthcheckswithpurchase#checksocialmediatoo
Pay attention to what whispers, and you won’t have to when it starts screaming.”

“The chicken soup in her thermos stayed hot all day while her body grew cold.

She never had a chance to eat the baloney and cheese sandwich. I got up 10 minutes early to cut the crust off a sandwich that will never be eaten.

Should I call and cancel her dental appointment next Wednesday? Will the office automatically know?

Should I still take her brother to the appointment since I already took the day off work? Last time Carlos had one cavity and Amerie asked him what having a cavity feels like.

She will never experience having a cavity.

She will never experience having a cavity filled.

The cavities in her body now are from bullets, and they can never be filled.

What if she had asked to use the bathroom in the hall a few minutes prior to the gunman entering the room, locking the door, and slaughtering all inside?

Was she one of the first kids in the room to die or one of the last?

These are the things they don’t tell us.

Which of her friends did she see die before her?

Hannah? 
Emily? 
Both?

Did their blood and brains splatter across her Girl Scout uniform?

She just earned a Fire Safety patch.

What if it got ruined?

There are no patches for school shootings.

Was she practicing writing GIRAFFE the moment he walked in her classroom, barricaded the door and opened fire?

She keeps forgetting the silent “e” at the end.

We studied this past weekend, and now she doesn’t need to take the spelling test on Friday.

None of them will take the spelling test on Friday.

There will be no spelling test on Friday.

Because there is no one to give it.

And no one to take it.

These are the things I will never know:
I will never know at what age she would have started her period.
I will never know if she had wisdom teeth. 
(Or if they would have come in crooked.)
I will never know who she spoke to last. Was it the teacher? Was it her table partner, George? She says George is always talking, even during silent reading.
Did she even scream?

She screamed the lyrics to We Don’t Talk About Bruno at 7:58 AM as she hopped out of my car in the circle drive.

She always sings the Dolores part, her sister sings Mirabel and I’m Bruno.

“And I wanted you to know that your bro loves you so
Let it in, let it out, let it rain, let it snow, let it goooooo……..”

Did the killer ever see Encanto?

Could we have sat in the same row of seats, on the same day, munching popcorn?

What if Amerie brushed past him in the aisle? Did she politely say, “Excuse me,” to the boy who would someday blow her eye sockets apart?

Was he chomping on bubble gum as he destroyed them all? 
If so, what flavor? 
Cinnamon? 
Wintergreen?

Was the radio on as he drove to massacre them? Or did he drive in silence?

Was the sun in his eyes as he got out of the car in the parking lot?

Did his pockets hold sunglasses or just ammunition?

These are the things I will never know.

There is laundry in the dryer that is Amerie’s.

Clothes I never need to fold again.
Clothes that are right now warmer than her body.

How will I ever be able to take them out of the dryer and where will I put them if not back in her dresser?

I can never wash clothes in that dryer again.

It will stand silent; a tomb for her pajamas and knee socks.

Her cousin’s graduation party is next month and I already signed her name in the card. Should I cross it out?

That will be the last card I ever sign her name to.

The dog will live longer than she will. 
The dog will be 12 next month and she will be eternally 10.

What will the school do with her backpack?

It was brand new this year and she attached her collection of keychains like cherished trophies to its zipper.

A beaded 4 leaf clover she made on St. Patty’s Day.

A red heart from a Walk-a-Thon.

A neon ice cream cone from her friend’s birthday party.

Now there will be no more keychains to attach. 
No more trophies.

Surely they can’t throw it out?

Would they throw them all out?

19 backpacks, full of stickered assignments and rainboots, all taken to the dumpster behind the school?

Is there even a dumpster big enough to contain all that life?

These are the things someone else knows:

The moment the semiautomatic rifle was put into his hands–was “Bring Me a Higher Love” playing in the gun store? “Get off my Cloud” by the Rolling Stones? Maybe it was Elton John’s “Rocket Man.”

Did the Outback Oasis salesperson hesitate as they slid him 375 rounds of ammunition?

not my problem my kids are grown and out of school

Or I don’t have kids, so I don’t have to worry about their skulls getting blown across the naptime mat 

Or fingers crossed there’s a good guy with an equally powerful gun that will stop this gun if needed

Did they sense any danger or were they more focused on picking that morning’s Raisin Bran out of their teeth?

My Nana used to say, “Pay attention to what whispers, and you won’t have to when it starts screaming.”

But now I know there is a more deafening sound than children screaming.

More horrific even, than automatic rifles on a Tuesday morning.

I beg the world:
Pay attention to what’s screaming today, or be forced to endure the silence that follows.”

Will school just f%^^ing end already?

Thats all I got. Most of us aren’t all that deep. I’m no exception. Shout out to all the mommas and daddies/persons going through it, too.

Also, God bless teachers. I don’t know how you all do it!

Likes, Loves, Death, Dying and everything in between

Dear likers and lovers,

I have no poignant words today. Or on most days. But what I will do is shamelessly hit ♥️ on all your posts/tweets/pinterest /whatever. I will always try to reach out and put myself out there if I care about having you in my life, even if I do it in my own super weird way. Like, borderline flood you with texts after I’ve been on my own introverted/mom life hiatus. And I’m NOT sorry.

Share your good news! Your cute kids! Your bikini body! Your bff selfies and vacation pics! And FAR more importantly, the simple things. The book you read. The KNOWLEDGE and perspective you might have. Yes, even your wordle score or a favorite memory. If I don’t have it, I have chosen to take joy in your slice of heaven as I make my own cake by ocean. I will simply get it for myself, if not, learn to live without it.

One of my closest friends died about 15 years ago to this day in a horrific car accident. All it takes is one moment, y’all. Its what I’ve learned. What I keep learning.

As physicians, we are surrounded by death more than most. I wish this wasn’t my first rodeo with grief. Unfortunately, suicide amongst my colleagues/friends and miscarriages are common in our world. And I’m not even talking about the 17 year old boy who’s goal was to walk at his high school graduation but laid in bed pumped full of pain meds instead💔 So here we are.

What I’ve learned:

1)Everyone grieves differently. Some turn to morbid curiosity. Others, philosophizing and prayers. Many, bad jokes and outright denial. Try not to judge their process. Try not to tone police or deny them.

2)At the same time, protect your peace. Do what you have to. Take comfort in those who truly love you and want to be there for you. Ignore the nosy/weird ones who are trying to justify why your worst scenario would never happen to THEM. They are LYING to themselves because they’re mentally too weak to accept how little control we have on this magnetic rock called earth orbiting the sun.

3) There can be great beauty after great loss still.

My daughter is proof. She is her namesake. She is the sun. It’s her world, actually. She just gave us permission to live on it-for now.

4) You are not alone drowning in an ocean of tears-you are together with others in that grief and getting refined. When the tears dry there WILL be something to float on-even if its just hundreds holding hands collectively clinging on to each other. Hope floats. So does love. So hold on for that magical day. You’ll know when you arrive at the place the rays of the sun blend into the horizon.

5)Let the (more/most) grieving party set the terms. Just reach out and let them you’re always there. And then be there when they need. Don’t push them before they’re ready. Its my humble opinion to email or text them instead of risking waking them. If they’re sleeping a lot, it’s actually a brief time they might be able to escape their grief. Let them. A few weeks in, if you can, just show up. Bring groceries and flowers. Or both. Let them cry.

If you do those things and they don’t want you around? It hurts, but respect their space. You might be too close to the sun suddenly missing from their life. They may not be ready to replace that sun, now or ever. Be there when and if they are. Until then, make your own light.

6)Don’t try to find the right fucking words. Just don’t. You might end up hurting them more. There is no ’bright side’/‘God’s plan’ any of us know about with any certainty. NONE. OF. US have the authority to speak for God. When the loss is great enough, there aren’t enough words to make up for the void now in their life. So be considerate. Choose your words carefully.

7) There is no timeline for when people will be ’over it’. A mom who miscarried will remember her daughter’s birthday Every. Day.For.The.Rest.Of.Her.Life. So will Dad. Let them talk about it at what should be their child’s graduation. Expressing a bittersweet memory doesn’t take away from joy. It’s just ALL a part of this beautiful, messy life.

8) Keep your superstitions out of your conversations with grieving folks. Admit it, you don’t know any more about ’what happens’ then any of us. We’re all just giving it our best guess.

9) It’s okay not to be okay.

15 years later, I still can’t stand to see photos of women who are obviously very close/’besties’ together. The thought that I may never have that again shatters me.

I will also continue to beat myself up for the rest of my life because I didn’t realize what a wonderful friend I had in her well into adulthood. Maybe I should give myself grace. Maybe I should simultaneously beat myself so that I don’t ever forget that hard earned lesson towards ANYONE I love. Life is short.

10) At the same time, if they don’t want to talk about it, then that’s that. Follow their lead.

11)Grieving isn’t reserved just for death. It can be for loss of the person you thought you knew/loved too. I think so many of us in the western hemisphere can relate after 2016.

If we’re all alone in the end, we’re together in that too. It helps, sometimes anyway.

If you’re still here, dear reader, here is my promise to you.

I will protect my peace. But I’ll ALWAYS be cheering for you. I don’t have to know you, be you, vote or love like you to do that.

I will always overuse my LOVE emoji, even if you are a stranger. There is no half assing the beauty in your life for me.

I will care about your wordle score.

Just please don’t give me that farmhouse thing (is that still happening?)

Together perfectly imperfectly in love and grief,

Me (Us)

https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/teenager-jeans-canvas-shoes-standing-on-1047525472
I am not an object to be won
I am the arrow instead
I am not the damsel in distress
I’m the complete fucking fairytale
I’m not the angel of your dreams 
I’m the witch you never could burn
I’m not the twinkle in your eye
I’m the entire night sky shot up with stars
I’m not an animal in a cage
I’m a dove with gossamer wings spread 
A limitless span next to your narrow mind
 Your ghost shell of a heart 


I’m not Cinderella at the ball
I’m the glass slipper you’ll NEVER break 
I’m not a mule you can kick
I’m the bold mare who’ll always run free
My little pony?  I think not
Not here
Not today
Not ever




Good girls may go to heaven
But bad girls go everywhere 
And isn’t that what you fear the most?  


You are not the answer to my dreams
You’re every Freddy Krueger nightmare sprung to life
I am not flattered by your affections
Your clammy hands and roving eyes
I will never belong to you 
Not my body 
Not my heart
Not my soul 
Definitely not my mind 


When girls get angry, they scream and cry
When boys get angry-bang, bang, bang!  
Did it hurt, snowflake?  
Armarite, Armarite, Armarite-am I right?


 Oh, the audacity of your caucasity! 
Of your immaculate testiculate patriarchy 
Adjusting your tight t shirt with some kinda Broseph logo
Squint up your eyes and smile just right 
How ridiculous it looks
You think you got me shook 
It’s almost laughable, your ‘hook’ 
You stink up every room
Cheaper than your momma’s perfume 
You wear your arrogance like a cloak
A pompous peacock who always gloats 
Next time, leave your hood at home


Filthy liar can’t get it up
Gaslighter-we ALL know what’s up
Your polo shirt and crew cut will never again fool me




Boom boom boom.  Bang bang bang
It’s all you know
It’s all you can do to pretend you care
The ultimate finish you never knew you wanted to have 

Why not me (us)?

https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/woman-inspiration

Just write 

Put that pen to paper

The keyboard in full swing

Let the ink dry

Begin again

Just move

Feel the earth beneath your feet

The wind in your hair

Or just the stationary bike 

Up up up out of here

Just dance

Don’t worry how you look

Don’t worry about your hair

Shout! Flail your arms

Try not to care

Change the vernacular

Jut out the backbone you’ve always had

Strut your stuff

Shoot for the stars

On the back of all your failures

Lies the dreams you’ll make come true

So do it!  Just do it!  

Why not me? 

And more importantly, why not you?  

Lush

https://www.dreamstime.com/illustration/glamour-woman-holding-wine-cartoon.html

I’m a Sylvia Plath drunk,

Crying in my beer, pontificating the meaning of life drunk,

In love with an abuser, letting his words strike me at will drunk,  

Her pain makes her prose beautiful; mine does not

Mine creates chaos and misdirection

Initially, a charm offensive.  A smile, the promise of a fun night (or two)

The unraveling begins

I’m a mascara smearing, lipstick smudging drunk

Wild, untamed, and carefree

It starts innocently enough

A strategically placed top designed to maximize cleavage

Pomade applied to curls-the ultimate albatross’s nest

Bonding when applying makeup.  Or with dinner  

Conversations ebbs and flows effortlessly, enthusiastically 

For a while, I’m bubbly, effervescent, effusive

Sparkling like the fine wine 

Pas the courvoisier, would you? 

Licking salt and sugar off the rim

Smiling leads to flirting.  Then kissing 

Lipstick gets to smudging. The redder the collar, the more memorable the night

But my curves don’t only hug my dress

Humility strikes as they pay homage to the cool porcelain goddess

I’m a lines blurring, world of hurting kind of drunk, 

You only love me when I’m carefree,  

Admiration and stares-oh so fleeting

You know you’re gonna end up with a white girl

Tonight, let’s drink from the walls of our own despair

Claiming to be at ease

I’m a feminine wiles on display, lingerie and laughter kinda drunk,

the ultimate tease

Setting the stage for the ultimate reward, 

Slumber awaits instead 

Boom Boom Boom-the Punch Room,

Blitzed at the Ritz-Shangri La La La 

After a night of food and conversation with my love,

Tears flow, 

Tempers flare,

Passions rise, 

The turbulent undercurrents of my essence arise once more

Like an undertow

It fills me even when the waters seem calm

But under the surface

My truths await 

Buried deep under the crust of the ocean

My tectonic plates shift once again

Oops

Alcohol is a drug

Sorrow is my sweetest poison

Anger is the gateway to it all

No longer carefree

Only occasionally filled with the desire to smash the mirror

Filled with the love of my babies

Feeding them. Caring for them. Coordinating their sleep schedules

Tending to the earths future

Their bright little minds

The ultimate good girl

Wife and mom 

Domestic complacency 

The wine bottle stares demurely

Momming ain’t easy 

Sure ain’t 

The only path is destruction

Despair

Darkness

An ever elusive elixir of youth, beauty and carefree times 

Can I have it again? 

Mustn’t be

Shouldn’t be

Couldn’t be

An endless abyss of chaos and self loathing awaits

I’ve fallen down this pit before

Still haven’t quite gotten up

It’s 11 am

Brunch 

Babies laughing

Mimosas smells sweet

He smiles-cautiously

I couldn’t.  SHOULDN’T.  

I’m happy now

No longer carefree 

Those days are over

The champagne flute glistens seductively 

Filled to the brim with honey colored nectar

Tomorrow’s another day, right?

The rabbit hole awaits……..